RE: A reasonably clean joke thread - 36

An oldie, but a goodie. I decided to add my own ending:

In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me." "Build another ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no ark. "Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a building permit."

"I've been arguing with the boat inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the local Council and the electric company demanded
a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power
lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl." "I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Back to the drawing board, apparently. Next time god will have to pick a Noah that lives in Texas, instead of California.

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Not actually a joke but so funny!:

... www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHje5AhgV6E

Chris

Zitat von PlacidoD im Beitrag #528

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Not actually a joke but so funny!:

... www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHje5AhgV6E

Chris

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Pie Rates.

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Zitat von Richard230 im Beitrag #501

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To Our American Cousins on the Eve of the 2020 Elections!! A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN:

The the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
"In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.”
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, and Utah, which she does not fancy).
Our new Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

........

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Zitat von Richard230 im Beitrag #503

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OK, not happy.
Just been into TESCO’s and it was nuts, yet again they had no toilet paper at all.
Reluctantly I headed to the checkout and ask if they had any more and they said firmly “NO” almost to the point of being rude !!!!
Walking back to the toilet with my trousers and pants around my ankles was a walk i never want to have to do again.

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Zitat von Ray B im Beitrag #531

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Zitat von Richard230 im Beitrag #501

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To Our American Cousins on the Eve of the 2020 Elections!! A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN:

The the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
"In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.”
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, and Utah, which she does not fancy).
Our new Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

........

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Zitat von Richard230 im Beitrag #503

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OK, not happy.
Just been into TESCO’s and it was nuts, yet again they had no toilet paper at all.
Reluctantly I headed to the checkout and ask if they had any more and they said firmly “NO” almost to the point of being rude !!!!
Walking back to the toilet with my trousers and pants around my ankles was a walk i never want to have to do again.

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So - on review - you now have Tesco in California?

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After the recent events in Washington, Mexico has decided they will pay for the wall. Canada wants one also.

Zitat von Richard230 im Beitrag #534

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After the recent events in Washington, Mexico has decided they will pay for the wall. Canada wants one also.

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Zitat von Richard230 im Beitrag #534

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After the recent events in Washington, Mexico has decided they will pay for the wall. Canada wants one also.

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WHERE TO RETIRE

I can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know "dry heat" is comparable to what hits your face when you open the oven at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

OR

I can retire to California where...
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Earthquake, and Drought.

OR

I can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (If you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression

OR

I can retire to Minnesota or Wisconsin where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have ninety-seven recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different," "She is different," or "It was different!"

OR

I can retire to The Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc
5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder."
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart" at the end!

OR

I can move to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $5,000 mountain bike atop your $800 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail

OR
I can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?"

OR

FINALLY, I can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 4:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind, even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

I think it is time again to lighten things up with a few unnamed funny cartoons on this Hump Day. Although I will admit that the "hump" is much smaller than it used to be a year ago.

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Here are some cartoons from the Far Side.

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