RE: A reasonably clean joke thread - 32

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or announcements:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water. 'The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

These jokes may not be in good taste.

Why did the cannibal live on his own? He was fed up with people.
• What did the cannibal say after eating a clown? That tasted funny
• Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation? He said, “So that I can feed my lads with m lasses.”
• What happened when a cannibal went on a self-catering holiday? He ate himself.
• Two cannibals were having their dinner. One said to the other “I don’t like your friend.” The other one said, “Well, put him to one side and just eat the vegetables.”
• Well, children, said the cannibal cooking teacher. “What did you make of the new English teacher?” “Burgers, ma am.”
• Two cannibals were having lunch. “Your wife makes a great soup,” said one to the other. “Yes!” agreed the first. “But I m going to miss her terribly.”
• First Cannibal: Who was that girl I saw you with last night? Second Cannibal: That was no girl, that was my supper.
• Q. What did the cannibal’s wife give her husband when he came home late for dinner? A. The cold shoulder.
• Cannibal Boy: I’ve brought a friend home for dinner. Cannibal Mom: Put him in the fridge and we ll have him tomorrow.
• First cannibal: My wife’s a tough old bird. Second cannibal: You should have left her in the oven for another half an hour.
• What did the cannibal have for lunch? Baked beings

Here are a few cartoons in honor of "hump day".

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Here are a few more cartoons in honor of the weekend.

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Here are a couple of cartoons that were in my newspaper today that I thought were pretty funny.

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Time for a few more cartoons. Anyone need a new wife?
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The whole idea behind recharging a battery is revolting.

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Lost Words From My Childhood.

Mergatroyd! Do you remember that word? Would you believe the spell-checker did not recognize the word Mergatroyd? Heavens to Mergatroyd!

The other day a not so elderly (I say 75) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy; and he looked at her quizzically and said, "What the heck is a Jalopy?" He had never heard of the word jalopy! She knew she was old ... But not that old.

Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.

About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included: Don't touch that dial, Carbon copy, You sound like a broken record, and Hung out to dry.

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We'd put on our best bib and tucker, to straighten up and fly right.

Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers!
Jumping Jehoshaphat! Holy Moley!

We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley; and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes, and pedal pushers.

Oh, my aching back! Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore.

We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, "Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!" Or, "This is a fine kettle of fish!" We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind. We blink, and they're gone. Where have all those great phrases gone?

Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it. Hey! It's your nickel. Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Well, Fiddlesticks! Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers. Don't take any wooden nickels. Wake up and smell the roses.

It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills. This can be disturbing stuff! (Carter's Little Liver Pills are gone too!)

Leaves us to wonder where Superman will find a phone booth..
See ya later, alligator! Okidoki.

And then there is: "Monkey Business"!!!

A bad year for sure.

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More funny cartoons.

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Missing Wife

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
OFFICER: Age? Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.
OFFICER: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
OFFICER: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
OFFICER: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
OFFICER: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.
OFFICER: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
OFFICER: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
OFFICER: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: A 2017, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 manufactured September 16th, with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

(At this point the husband started choking up.)

OFFICER: Take it easy sir. We'll find your truck.

A farmer was plowing his field on a hot, humid August day. His old mule began sweating, then staggering. At the end of the row, she dies by the road. The farmer was beside himself. 10 acres left to plow and no mule.

Along comes an old, beat-up pickup truck. It stops, a ragged-looking grifter jumps out and surveys the situation. "How much for the mule?" he says.

The farmer says "That mule's dead. What do you want with a dead mule?"

The grifter says "You never mind about that. How about $20 and help me load the up the mule?"

The farmer thinks it over. $20 would be big step towards a new mule. "OK" he says. They load up the mule, the money changes hands and the grifter drives off with 4 legs sticking out of his truck bed.

A month passes. The farmer has a new mule and has it out cultivating the new crop. As he nears the road, a new pickup drives up and stops at the end of the row. The driver gets out - it's the grifter that bought the dead mule, except now in fancy new clothes.

The farmer says “Looks like you're doing all right for yourself. What happened to that mule I sold you?”

Grifter: “I raffled him off. 1000 tickets at a dollar a pop.”

Farmer: “You can’t raffle off a dead mule! Wouldn't someone get awful mad?”

Grifter: “He sure was until I gave him his money back.”

Now that it is fall in the Northern Hemisphere and spring in the Southern Hemisphere, to celebrate I submit a bunch of unnamed cartoons many of them directed toward senior citizens, such as the people who typically own BMW motorcycles. And I will add an extra Domino.

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Golf course etiquette

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.

Paula loved her cat more than anything so, one day, she was horrified to see the cat hadn't moved for over three hours. It just sit there staring at nothing. Not an ear flicked nor did the tail twitch. Picking up the cat and pointing it in a different direction also changed nothing. The cat just continued to stare straight ahead without moving. Picking up the cat, Paula took it to her Veterinarian and asked him what could be causing such a strange behavior. The vet checked out all of the vital signs, its eyes, ears and mouth. Nothing seemed wrong but just like when it had been at home, the cat continued to stare straight ahead at nothing. The Vet asked Paula, "Did you feed him anything different or give him anything different to drink?" Paula said, "Why, yes. Right before this happened, I gave him some seltzer water. I thought it would be good for him and make him happy." "Ah ha!" the Vet said. "Didn't you know? You should never give a catatonic?"

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