RE: A reasonably clean joke thread - 29

We were all 'Home Schooled' whether we realized it at the time or not...
Most of us over 65 were Home Schooled in many ways...

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My father taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC: "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT: Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My father taught me IRONY: "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
My mother taught me about WEATHER: "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION: "Just wait until we get home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING: "You are going to get it from your father when he gets home!"
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
My mother taught me ESP: "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
My father taught me HUMOUR: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT: "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My mother taught me GENETICS: "You're just like your father."
My mother taught me about my ROOTS: "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me WISDOM: "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
My father taught me about JUSTICE: "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Here are some silly "one-liners" that might give you a slight smile, if not a chuckle:

I try not to look out the window in the morning otherwise I'll have nothing to do in the afternoon.

My girlfriend told me I'd ruined her birthday. No way. I didn't know it was her birthday. Then she said she was upset because I didn't buy her flowers. I didn't even know she sold flowers.

Old age comes at a bad time. You finally know everything just in time to forget it.

I'm so excited it's spring I wet my plants.

Hugh Hefner became a multi millionaire staying home in his jammies . . . . I'm not having the same result.

My book about clocks just arrived. It's about time.

Started reading a book about the history of glue. Now I can't put it down.

I love way the earth rotates. It really makes my day.

I like to thank Richard for his constant stream of jokes that add some light relief during the lockdown. Where do they all come from?

Zitat von JAG im Beitrag #423

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I like to thank Richard for his constant stream of jokes that add some light relief during the lockdown. Where do they all come from?

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Here is a cute cartoon to brighten up your day. Topless chicks.

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Just got some sad news.....Eleanor Higgins, Greenwich's oldest resident, sadly passed away last month at the ripe old age of 106. She put her longevity down to advice given to her, in her early childhood, by her mother that she should sprinkle half a teaspoonful of gunpowder over her cornflakes each morning. This she did religiously every single day of her life. She left behind 7 children, 26 grandchildren, forty-seven great grandchildren - and a 40ft deep crater where the crematorium used to be.

Here is one that women will appreciate:


In praise of Women Who Read.

One morning a husband returns to the cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out since it is such a beautiful day.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, " Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies , (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to write you up a ticket. "

"For reading a book," she replies.

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area ,” he informs her again ."

"But officer, I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

" Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to write you up a ticket and you'll have to pay a fine."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman."

"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden .

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he immediately departed.

MORAL:

Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY THOMAS COOK VACATIONS FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."


BE AWARE ...THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!

"I was cut out to be a genius. Unfortunately somebody forgot to put the pieces together"
Tubby Clayton - Toc H founder

Some of these MUST be intentionally sarcastic. Still funny. #12 and #19 are the best!

I understand lots of americans still blame australia for not telling them about the attack on new york when they were 14 hours ahead of their time.

Foretelling the future.

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Here is another cute cartoon. This one about men barbecuing.

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Here are a few cartoons for the times.

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As fresh spunk dribbled down her chin she looked up at him and asked.
"What the fuck have you put in this sandwich?"

Here are some more cute cartoons:

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