Off Topic » A reasonably clean joke thread

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again? Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

A guy was kicking back in his Lazy Boy looking forward to reading the Adult Humor thread in the RS forums. He had something really amusing to post but couldn't because the thread was closed. Bolocks.
33583328_231704297411428_9109104281620840448_n.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)

I've got no material I can post in here

Here are some cute and funny cartoons to brighten your day.

Zitat von Grumpy Goat im Beitrag #3

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I have no problem with another Adult Humour thread ... Just make it separate from this one so that there can be a clear choice.

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A golden oldie:

A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his truck fixed. They couldn't
do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk
home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a
gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of
chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry
his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was
approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 43 Taylor Lane?

The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that
house. I could walk you there, if I can figure out how to carry this stuff.

The old lady looked the whole situation over, laughed at his predicament and
suggested, ‘Why don’t you put a chicken under each arm, put the can of
paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, and carry the goose in
your other hand?

’'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl
home.

On the way he says, 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.

We’ll be there in no time.’

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the
alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and have
your way with me?’

The farmer said, 'Bugger me lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint,
two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up
against the wall and do that?

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket and put
the paint on top of the bucket. I'll hold the chickens.’

Fred the Penguin finally saved enough money to take that trip to Las Vegas and try his luck at the tables. So, Fred swam to Tierra del Fuego and bought a certified preowned Fiat 500 at the first Fiat dealership. Never having needed a car, Fred had no clue what to get, but he did like Pope Francis......so, he went Fiat. Then he drove north, Chile, Argentina, etc...up the Andes. Fred and his 500. Somewhere, in Ecuador, Fred learned that he should drive on the right side of the road. Somewhere in Panama, he learned to ask "how much do those drinks cost?"

In any event, Fred made it to the US-Mexico boarder with his papers intact and the US Customs accepted his Antarctica passport. But, about 50-miles north of the border, the Fiat proved itself to be true to its origins and died. Not missing a beat, Fred hopped out of the car, showed some leg and swiveled his hips really hard to show some booty. In no time, a lonely trucker was Fred's best buddy and the 500 was getting a tow to the closest garage.

While Fred and the trucker said their Good-byes, the mechanic put the 500 on the rack and, then, fired up the computer to see what kind of Volkswagen this was. When Fred finally freed himself of the trucker, the mechanic had determined that he didn't have a VW on the rack, but it was the first Renault LeCar (5) he had seen........So, he told Fred to grab a bite at the convenience store, across the street, and promised to have the car off the rack in 15-minutes.

With this news, Fred was bat-poop ecstatic and decided a treat was in order. So, it was off to the convenience store for a snack. Now, this was Fred's first visit north of the border and refrigeration is something that God has only given to Americans (Proof: English Beer). It was like heaven, staring at that freezer case of frozen delights. Fred opened the door. Fred felt the frosty air. Fred thought of home. Fred stepped in. Fred felt good. Fred dropped a little turd. It froze...…...as it should. This was nice. Fred took a nap...

In the meantime, the mechanic discovered that Fred drives a Fiat. In addition, the mechanic discovered that the engine was in the front of this car...…

But, back to Fred...…...his chilly nap left him with a healthy appetite, but there were no fish in his freezer of happiness. However, there were these packages with a penguin on the foil wrapper. Inside the packages, there was chocolate (better than fish) and ice cream (a crap load better than fish). Heaven got a whole better for Fred...…….In fact, one could say.....Fred made a hog of himself in heaven. Fred ate every single foil wrapped package, in every box of foil wrapped packages. Then, he slept the sleep of champions....stuffed like a pig and too fat to move.

The next morning, awakened by the milk delivery man.....Fred exited the convenience store freezer. Thanked the clerk for the use of the bathroom and paid for one Klondike bar and a cup of coffee. Penguins are shameless liars with no ethical standards. Actually, almost as cheap as a BMW motorcycle owner.

But, back at the garage, having determined the model and make of car, the mechanic was starring up at the sad reality above him on the rack. Fred, arriving self-satisfied with his evening of debauched gluttony patted the mechanic on the back an asked "How's it going?". The mechanic looked at Fred and said...……."looks like you blew a seal". Somewhat startled, Fred replied...…….."No. I was just eating ice cream"......

An Admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The Chief replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.
Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"
The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, Sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts.

That penguin story was very creative, Mr. 36654.

Zitat von Richard230 im Beitrag #12

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That penguin story was very creative, Mr. 36654.

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I came across some cute and funny cartoons.

Government Employee's Three Wishes

A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.

"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"

POOF!

A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where I can have total peace and solitude."

POOF!

Suddenly he is on an island with no one around to place demands on his time. Absolute leisure has finally come without conditions. He then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

POOF!

He's back in his government office.