RE: A reasonably clean joke thread - 31

Nothing new here, but these are still funny:

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE
" We will heel you.
We will save your sole.
We will even dye for you."

A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:
“Blind man driving.”

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels."

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place.”

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tire Shop
"Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and
will take appropriate action with a fire extinguisher.”

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.”

At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills.”

In a Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.”

And the best one for last:
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises!”

Here is another funny for those of you who like to fill out forms.

Hurt Feelings Report.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)

I am not quite sure where to post this news, but I think this may be the proper thread: Joey Chestnut outdid himself at the big Nathan's hot dog eating contest on Coney Island today. He downed 75 hot dogs and buns in just 10 minutes, receiving another hot dog eating award (I think it was his 13th). It was all done online without spectators. The contestants were separated by 6 feet and clear plastic barriers - just in case something backed up, no doubt. Sounds like fun. I wonder what he did for desert?

Zitat von Richard230 im Beitrag #453

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I am not quite sure where to post this news, but I think this may be the proper thread: Joey Chestnut outdid himself at the big Nathan's hot dog eating contest on Coney Island today. He downed 75 hot dogs and buns in just 10 minutes, receiving another hot dog eating award (I think it was his 13th). It was all done online without spectators. The contestants were separated by 6 feet and clear plastic barriers - just in case something backed up, no doubt. Sounds like fun. I wonder what he did for desert?

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A friend sent my a bunch of cartoons today which I will share with you.


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Here are a couple more good ones.

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That last one sounds familiar! 😬

Here are three more cartoons.

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A friend just sent me these funnies:

Only in This Stupid World
......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in This Stupid World
.....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a “DIET”coke.

Only in This Stupid World
.....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters..

Only in This Stupid World
......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in This Stupid World .......do we buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and buns in Packages of eight..

EVER WONDER
...
Why the sun lightens
Our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why is
'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that
Doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made
With artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who
Invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there
Mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah
Swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the
Needle for lethal injections?

You know that
Indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep
shrink when it rains? (Wool??)

Why are they called
Apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of
Pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so
Safe,why do they call the airport the terminal?

And more funny children comments:

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'


3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the
phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'


4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'


5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?

Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'


6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I
gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'


7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to
take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'


8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'


9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton wool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)


10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'


11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

Zitat von Richard230 im Beitrag #451

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Nothing new here, but these are still funny:

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE
" We will heel you.
We will save your sole.
We will even dye for you."

A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:
“Blind man driving.”

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Here is a worried bovine joke.

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Here are a couple more funny cartoons for your enjoyment.

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A rider is stopped by a police car. "What've I done, officer?" asks the rider. "Perhaps you didn't notice sir, but your wife fell off your bike half a mile back . . ." "Oh, thank God for that," says the rider - "I thought I'd gone deaf."