RE: A reasonably clean joke thread - 34

Zitat von wessie im Beitrag #496

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Zitat von Richard230 im Beitrag #495

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Here is something that Bravo should appreciate:



11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

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This shows how old these are. They haven't aged well.

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Gotta get it.

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Here are some Monday groaners. A few might take a little thought before you get the jest:

A concrete mixer has collided with a prison van. The public have been advised to be on the look out for 16 hardened criminals.

I went to the doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I said to the doc, "I've broken my arm in 3 places" He replied, "Well, stop going to those places."

Why was there thunder and lightning in the research laboratory? The scientists were brainstorming.

A man walks into the doctors with a strawberry in his ear. The doctor said,"Don't worry I've got some cream for that."

Why did 5 and 6 look shocked? Because 789.

I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Everyone at the wedding got very emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.

Teacher:"what is the chemical formula for water?" Pupil:"HIJKLMNO" Teacher:"what are you talking about?" Pupil:"yesterday you said it was H to O."

The Madam opened the brothel door in Cork City and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking old man in his late 70’s or early 80’s:
“May I help you, sir?” She asked.
The old man replied. “I want to see Valerie.”
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else.” Said the madam.
He replied. “No, I must see Valerie.”
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged €10,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the old man pulled out €10,000 and gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the old man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
“There are no discounts. The price is still €10,000.”
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the old man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the old man.
“No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”
The old man replied. “Montenotte”
“Really.” She said. “I have family in Montenotte”
“I know.” The old man said.
“Your sister died and I am her solicitor. She asked me to give you your €30,000 inheritance.”
The moral of this story is, that three things in life are certain:
1. Death.
2. Taxes.
3. Being screwed by a Solicitor.

To Our American Cousins on the Eve of the 2020 Elections!! A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN:

The the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
"In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.”
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, and Utah, which she does not fancy).
Our new Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.’
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Piss, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

P.S.: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

OK, not happy.
Just been into TESCO’s and it was nuts, yet again they had no toilet paper at all.
Reluctantly I headed to the checkout and ask if they had any more and they said firmly “NO” almost to the point of being rude !!!!
Walking back to the toilet with my trousers and pants around my ankles was a walk i never want to have to do again.

I picked up a few more funny ones for the weekend - ending up with a real "groaner":

If one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

VERY INTERESTING FACTS ! ! Dead Penguins - I never knew this!
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go? Wonder no more ! ! ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

How I became unemployed.  (From the former communist Czechoslovakia)

I was the director of a large corporate group. My beautiful secretary brewed every morning my coffee, I drove to work in the Tatra 613. Once they came to me asking to pay CZK 5,000 for the funeral of a member of the Central Committee of the Communist Party. I said that for 5,000 CZK I would bury the whole Central Committee myself.

Since then, I have worked as a business director of a small company. My old secretary brewed my coffee and I drove to work in the Tatra 603. I was once told that I was not attending the last meeting of the Communist Party. I said that if I knew it was really the last, I would have shown up with a banner.

I've been a chief mechanic ever since. I drove to work in my own car, brewing coffee myself. I had a picture of Husák (President) and Gina Lollobrigida on the wall. They told me to take the bitch off the wall. I have removed the picture of Husák.

I have been working in the excavation business ever since. I rode my bike to work and carried my coffee in a thermos can. While I was digging, they came to me asking to hide my bike, the Soviet delegation would be passing by. I said my bike was locked and insured.

And I've been unemployed ever since.

Here are some somewhat funny cartoons for a gloomy Monday.

cornbread.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)bear hug.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)wind power.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)wife advice.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)no crime here.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)fish eater.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)hate them.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)smelly finger.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)side effects.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)voice activated.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)

Protect your cat from the internet.

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What do the Titanic and The Sixth Sense movies have in common?


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ICY DEAD PEOPLE.

Zitat von Peelz im Beitrag #508

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ICY DEAD PEOPLE.

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Here we have a foolproof intercom system.

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