RE: A reasonably clean joke thread - 35

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy ~ "I have a baseball."
Man ~ "That's nice."
Boy ~ "Want to buy it?"
Man ~ "No, thanks."
Boy ~ "My dad's outside."
Man ~ "OK, how much?"
Boy ~ "$250?
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy ~ "It's dark in here."
Man ~ "Yes, it is."
Boy ~ "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy ~ "$750?
Man ~ "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy ~ "$1,000?
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost."
"I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."

And here we a government employee helping to push a taxpayer's truck.


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For you Star Trek fans:

Q: How is the Federation Star ship NCC1701 like toilet paper?

A: They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons...

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My wife found a spider in the house. She told me to take him out instead of killing him.
Went out, had a few drinks, found him to be a decent guy. Turns out he's a web designer.

A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?"
He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later."
The mom texts him, "It's OK, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."

October was just not the same this year.

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Today we have virus jokes, because you have to find something funny about this year.

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Here are a few more 2020 jokes.

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The Quotes of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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Doctor's orders.

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Donald MacDonald from the Scottish Highlands went to study Law at a renowned and austere English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.

After he had been there a month, his elderly mother came to visit him.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people...

...The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop...

...The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?" She asked her son.

Donald replied enthusiastically:

"Mother, I keep calm, I do nothing. I simply ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

If you are going to do it, go big.

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More funny cartoons.

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Hah! That last pick is representative of Ducati's dealer network in the early 90's. Looks just like the "showroom/sales floor" of an Asheville, NC shop I visited when trying to buy my SS. Literally selling bikes out of an old house

3 Irish men in a pub called Mick, Pat & Tat. The barman says "Are you all related?" Mick said "Yeah we're triplets!" Barman said "Triplets!, how come you&Pat are 6ft tall & Tat is only 4ft tall?", "Well!" said Mick "Me & Pat were breast fed so there was no tit for Tat!