RE: A reasonably clean joke thread - 56

Dog’s Day

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 PM - Watched TV with my people! My favourite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!


Cat’s Day

Day 983 of my captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
B------ds!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.... for now.

Cheap motorcycle shipping service.

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One of my friends who is even older than I am sent be a bunch of cartoons, most of which are not much larger than thumbnails. But they should be readable enough for you to get the idea of the joke. Plus, they post a lot faster than if they were larger. I hope I don't loose count when posting them. 20 images (all png) posted but only the big one shows. What is up with that?

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Zitat von wessie im Beitrag #829

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I suspect the problem is the file names - they are all called image with a suffix in brackets. I suspect the forum code does not like the brackets.

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One more try. This time with a much larger picture from my computer files. And it worked. I wonder if the forum programming just doesn't like accepting thumbnail sized pictures?

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Here are some one-liners for us older gents.

"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot

"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers

"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown

"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso

“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney

“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me — they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin

"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner

"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie

"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde

"The older we get; the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers

"We must recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane

"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dana

"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain

“Old people shouldn’t eat healthy foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben

"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns

Zitat von Richard230 im Beitrag #832

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Here are some one-liners for us older gents.

"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot

"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers

"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown

"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso

“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney

“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me — they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin

"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner

"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie

"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde

"The older we get; the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers

"We must recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane

"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dana

"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain

“Old people shouldn’t eat healthy foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben

"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns

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Well there is that.

You are going to like the YouTube video. It shows how to get back at porch pirates and car smash-and-grab thieves in San Francisco: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWeu2dxHRDg

Here is the latest Haynes service and repair manual.

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Here is a funny T-shirt that my daughter gave me about 25 years ago.

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Joe Lucas submits his favorite T-shirt for your approval.

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