RE: A reasonably clean joke thread - 20

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied
“Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!”

Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks, "What?''

"Sex." he replies. Mildred exclaims, "Why you old coot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's wiener. Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank’s little pal!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"


Old Frank smiled happily and replied, “She’s got Parkinson's"

A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand-new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a couple of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?" 'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a couple of headlights are two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards are two slices of crisp bacon. 'Oh...OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?' (I love this one!) She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

My granddad always said "When one door closes another door opens" Beautiful man, terrible cabinet maker.

Bumper Sticker . . . . I haven't lost all my marbles yet . . .but there is definitely a small hole in the bag somewhere . . .

Wife comes home from work and finds her husband watching TV and yelling at the screen "No! Don't go in that church! It's a trap!" The wife says "You must be watching a horror movie" Husband says "No, it's our wedding video"

And here is a timely cartoon:

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Schitt family tree.

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Things to ponder:



Why do peanuts float in a regular coke and sink in a diet coke? Go
ahead and try it.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.

Can you cry under water?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would
be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see
you naked anyway.

Why is “bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns toast so horribly
that no human would ever consider eating it?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune? (Did you just hum both songs?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?

How did the person who made the 1st clock know what time it was?

And a couple of cartoons:

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Hi, George, this is Richard, next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text, & I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this.


The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently & I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology & forgive me.

Please suggest a fee for usage, & I'll pay you. Regards, Richard

NEIGHBOUR'S RESPONSE: George, feeling enraged & betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, & shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink & sat down on the sofa. George then looked at his phone & discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.


2nd TEXT MESSAGE: Hi, George, Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out & noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Bloody Technology, It'll be the death of us al

With the weekend coming up tomorrow, it seemed like a good time to post a few funny cartoons.

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More unsolicited advice from the internet:

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me alone.
· No one is listening until you pass wind.
· Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
· Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
· If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
· Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
· A closed mouth gathers no foot.
· There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
· Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
· Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
· There are limits to intelligence, however, stupidity has no limitations.
· Adventures are what you call stupid human tricks, after-the-fact.
· If at first you don’t succeed, blame the failure on a subordinate.
· Trust the government like you’d trust your dentist to not use Novocaine.
Eat well, laugh often, Love much, and if you’re not having a nice day, it’s your fault.
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.--Socrates
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.--Jimmy Durante
· I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.--Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.--Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying--Rodney Dangerfield
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.--Joe Namath
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.--W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.--Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.--Winston Churchill
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.--Billy Crystal
· And the cardiologist's diet:--If it tastes good spit it out.

And a couple of seasonal cartoons:

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Here are some more funny cartoons.

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So I went to Mr Wongs takeaway this evening to collect my order. I paid my money and he handed me a bag with my crispy duck and noodles all mixed up together. "What the fuck is this?" I asked.
""So sorry" he replied "But with what happened this week we're no longer allowed to put Chinese in containers "

Bravo, Too soon ( and no, that's not the name of one of the victims )

It is getting close to clock rollback time. So here is some advice on how it is done. Nothing about changing the clock on the RS, though. Doing that will require you to reread the owner's manual again. And that is going to hurt.

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Five deadly words....

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