RE: A reasonably clean joke thread - 15

I heard on the news today that a French minister said that she was going to name her cat Brexit, since it stands by her door crying because it wants to get out and then when she opens up the door, the cat won't leave. I think I see the analogy, there.

Skinny Dippin'...

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large natural pool in the back of his farm bordered by sheltering scrub.
It was nicely shaped and deep enough for swimming, so he fixed it up with a picnic table, gazebo, and planted some palms and some mango and avacado trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over so he grabbed a bucket to bring back any ripe fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm just here to feed the croc.'

Some old men can still think fast.

Hi, George, this is Richard, next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text, & I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this.


The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently & I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology & forgive me.

Please suggest a fee for usage, & I'll pay you. Regards, Richard

NEIGHBOUR'S RESPONSE: George, feeling enraged & betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, & shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink & sat down on the sofa. George then looked at his phone & discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.


2nd TEXT MESSAGE: Hi, George, Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out & noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Bloody Technology, It'll be the death of us all.

I thought this cartoon was really funny. Muppet shopping.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)

E992C52D-95C7-41D3-BA3E-F7CF6DA0C5AE.jpeg.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)

I do not understand why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects.

But this is definitely an exception!

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
Do you sometimes feel stressed?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions,
ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you are ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately, and, with a regimen of regular doses, you will overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past.
You will discover talents you never knew you had..

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone.
Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it, but women who would not mind nursing, or becoming pregnant, are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare and Naked Twister.

Warnings:
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important medical information!
and remember,

LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM

Time for a cartoon dump. Most of these are pretty good. cartoon 1.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)cartoon 2.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)cartoon 3.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)cartoon 4.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)cartoon 5.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)cartoon 6.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)cartoon 7.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)cartoon 8.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)cartoon 9.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)cartoon 10.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)cartoon 11.png - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)cartoon 12.png - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)cartoon 13.png - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)cartoon 14.png - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)cartoon 15.png - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)cartoon 16.png - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)cartoon 17.png - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)

Now here is a contemporary cartoon. the new game.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)

While funny cartoons about H-D riders abound, you don't often see a funny cartoon that addresses a problem with the H-D LiveWire electric motorcycle - especially since it hasn't hit the consumer market yet. But here is one to keep in mind. Electric Harley passenger.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating smarties. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a smartie fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the smartie out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the smartie flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he clever? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers,... our son-in-law!"

Here are some things to think about. think about it.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)

Zitat von Richard230 im Beitrag #221

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Here are some things to think about.

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EMPLOYEE NOTICE
**************************
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT programme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government..

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy:
When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously. "Is there a problem doc?"
The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes. "I'm afraid so, i'm so sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy."
The patient is devastated and shockingly replies. "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another er-ec-tion."
The surgeon pauses for a moment then says. "Well, you might, but it won't be yours!"

Here is a little Irish joke for you. Irish joke.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)