RE: A reasonably clean joke thread - 17

Fix it right the first time.

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I knew social media was good for something.

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Sad cartoons for book lovers.

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto "We love to fly and it shows ".

The woman looks at him blankly.

He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto "Winning the hearts of the world".

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again , this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto "Going beyond expectations".

The woman looks at him sternly and says "What the fuck do you want?"

"Ah... Ryanair"

I go into to the bank,theres a black kid sitting at the bus stop.
I walk out the bank he says "Any change?"
"No you're still black" I reply.

The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper...

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signals back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signals to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signals, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer,

"What did he say?"

The lawyer replies,

"He says fuck you, you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."


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There is no senior discount for reading this!!!
 
Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that, at my age, I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.
 
If walking is good for your health, the mailman would be immortal.
 
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat
 
A rabbit runs, hops, & only lives15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run, does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.
 
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
 
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
 
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
 
3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
 
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
 
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
 
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.
 
7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
 
8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
 
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
 
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
 
11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
 
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
 
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
 
14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
 
15. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.
 
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
 
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
 
18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
 
19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
 
20. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you!?

A young boy is working in a chemists shop when a man comes in and asks for the chemist.
The boy says the chemist has had to go out but he can deal with most things.
The man asks for some chloroform. The boy gets down the jar and tells the man to be careful with it.
“What do you mean?” said the man
“It's funny stuff,” says the boy. “Every time the chemist gets it down I fall asleep and wake up with a sore arse”

Alan

Here are a few cartoons that I liked to get the week started on the right foot[[File:Alaskan flat tire.

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Mick says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards, because I wasn't even home yesterday."

A young Indian boy entered the big Tee-Pee and asked his father, "Father, is it true that Indians name their children for the first thing their mother sees after they are born?  You know, like "Dawn Rising", and "Deer Running"?" "Yes, son. Why do you ask "Two Dogs Humping?"

How it all started.

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So my youngest son is a police officer and just married a few months back. He came home one evening after his shift, tired and disheveled. His young bride of a few months was concerned and asked "what happened tonight?"
He told her about having to chase a young thug across several yards and over a few fences before the suspect eluded him. His young wife said "you must feel bad that he got away"
He told her that he was a little upset, but that the thug wasn't running with 20 extra pounds around the middle.
His wife replied, "I know, and I bet that gun belt and equipment are heavy too"

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