RE: A reasonably clean joke thread - 13

This is kind of creative.

A rough description of how men and women are very different. (Obviously from a woman’s perspective).

Men Are Just Happier People!

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache... You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337 A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Another good one. I bet you could think of a company that it applies to.

SENIORS TAKE NOTE ________________________________

RULE CHANGES IN EFFECT FOR GOLFERS AGE 60+:

Rule 9k.34(a): If a tree is between the ball and the hole, and the tree is deemed to be younger than the player, then the ball can be moved without penalty. This is so because this is simply a question of timing; when the player was younger, the tree was not there so the player is being penalized because of his age.

Rule 1.a.5 - A ball sliced or hooked into the Rough shall be lifted and placed on the Fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the Rough with no penalty. The senior player should not be penalized for tall grass which green keepers failed to mow.

Rule 2.d.6 (B) - A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed NOT to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree, and play the ball from there.

Rule 3.B.3(G) - There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, thereby making it a stolen ball. The senior player is not to compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty.

Rule 4.c.7(h) - If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The Law of Gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.

Rule 5. - Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the Hole. No one wants to make a mockery of the game.

Rule 6.a.9(k) - There is no penalty for so-called “out of bounds.” If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior player deserves an apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7.G.15(z) - There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior players should not be penalized for any shortcomings of the manufacturers.

Rule 8.k.9(S) - Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impractical for many senior players, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.

Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes and keep multiple copies in your golf bag. Those not following the rules need to be provided a copy.

Golf is, above all, a game of integrity.

A fellow who works at a motorcycle shop posted these funny customer comments on the Royal Enfield forum:

customer asked why oil light was on without starting the bike??? What had happened!

What size drill bit do i need to take the ignition off of my katana?

customer asked what plugs into the vent holes in the back of scorpion exo 700

do you sell used batteries

When customer was told we had light smoke and dark smoke shields he asked Which one was darker?

Customer said that his motorcycle didn't require a rear axle nut.

Customer asked if their garage had to have electricity to run their battery tender.

gentleman asks that if he has brass battery post screws if that would make his bike backfire.

customer asked how much labor to jet his bike, then customer asked how much if he did the jetting

customer called in and asked what the next service for his jizzer 600 is

customer asked if it was more to change oil with synthetic... then stated has own parts

I purchased a helmet online and its the wrong size. They wont return my calls so can you guys return it and give me my money back.

Is there any way to expedite a Backorder?

calls in and asks if we are open

can you just make a 18" tire work on a 17"rim

"What size Shadow do you have, sir?" "Oh, it's about this tall..."

customer wanted to know why unit was hitting rev limiter, "oh, i have to shift???"

customer crashed bike, wants to know if insurance will cover the next service on his bike

"Do you have a 6" 12 volt battery?"

Do you sell Honda Ridgeline parts?

"the bike will not start" "has the unit sat for any amount of time?" "its not the battery" (it was the battery)

"the battery is dead" "you didn't jump it from your car did you." "why what's wrong with that?"

"my fuel pump isn't working can you replace it." "are you sure it is the fuel pump" " yes unless the missing battery is the problem"

"Can you help me! I cant find my way out of this building!"

Customer calls at 5:58pm and we close at 6:00pm and says that he can make it here by 6:30pm or so and asks if I can stick around so he can try on a helmet?

Told customer I cannot cut a key for you I can only get a blank. Customer Says "ok...that will start the bike right?"

"what kind of bike do you have?" "It's a Kawasaki." "What model?" "It's a Suzuki 250." It was an old Suzuki with a Kawasaki tank.

What size is your engine? "750 cc, it says on the side" (Rm125)

Does this Honda grip glue work on anything besides Honda?...I have a KTM

"I saw a part online, do you have it?" "Did you see what the part number was?" "No, but it was $21.95 .

"What bike do you have?" "It's a Kawasaki 3400." It was an ex500, that was the oil capacity.

Do you have a fairing and shift lever for a 07 Suzuki Ninja R1?

"What kind of plow is it?" customer- "The kind that pushes snow around."

Employee "Looks like your bike calls for 10W-30." Customer "Is that the same as 10W-40?"

Customer was worried his skid plate was going to scratch the paint on the bottom of his dirt bike frame.....KTM guys...

Customer called and asked if I could provide the correct speedometer ratio for his 1978 GS750E for his bobber build. R

Sheriff sends deputy to edge of town to check if any bad guys are coming.

Couple of hours later deputy rides back and inform the sheriff someone is on the horizon, sheriff asks how tall he is, deputy replies about half an inch. Hot diggity damn go back and see where he’s at now, the sheriff bowls back.

Few hours later deputy is back saying he’s now a foot tall, sheriff sends him back to the edge of town to keep an eyes out. Next morning deputy’s back saying he’s now up to five feet tall. Holy moly, the sheriff scowls, get back there and shoot that bad guy before he gets into town...

I can’t, says deputy.
Why not?
I’ve known him since he was this big.

...it’s the way I tell em!

Labor... I love Americanisms.


who works at a motorcycle shop posted these funny customer comments on the Royal Enfield forum:
[/b]
customer asked why oil light was on without starting the bike??? What had happened!

What size drill bit do i need to take the ignition off of my katana?

customer asked what plugs into the vent holes in the back of scorpion exo 700

do you sell used batteries

When customer was told we had light smoke and dark smoke shields he asked Which one was darker?

Customer said that his motorcycle didn't require a rear axle nut.

Customer asked if their garage had to have electricity to run their battery tender.

gentleman asks that if he has brass battery post screws if that would make his bike backfire.

customer asked how much labor to jet his bike, then customer asked how much if he did the jetting

customer called in and asked what the next service for his jizzer 600 is

customer asked if it was more to change oil with synthetic... then stated has own parts

I purchased a helmet online and its the wrong size. They wont return my calls so can you guys return it and give me my money back.

Is there any way to expedite a Backorder?

calls in and asks if we are open

can you just make a 18" tire work on a 17"rim

"What size Shadow do you have, sir?" "Oh, it's about this tall..."

customer wanted to know why unit was hitting rev limiter, "oh, i have to shift???"

customer crashed bike, wants to know if insurance will cover the next service on his bike

"Do you have a 6" 12 volt battery?"

Do you sell Honda Ridgeline parts?

"the bike will not start" "has the unit sat for any amount of time?" "its not the battery" (it was the battery)

"the battery is dead" "you didn't jump it from your car did you." "why what's wrong with that?"

"my fuel pump isn't working can you replace it." "are you sure it is the fuel pump" " yes unless the missing battery is the problem"

"Can you help me! I cant find my way out of this building!"

Customer calls at 5:58pm and we close at 6:00pm and says that he can make it here by 6:30pm or so and asks if I can stick around so he can try on a helmet?

Told customer I cannot cut a key for you I can only get a blank. Customer Says "ok...that will start the bike right?"

"what kind of bike do you have?" "It's a Kawasaki." "What model?" "It's a Suzuki 250." It was an old Suzuki with a Kawasaki tank.

What size is your engine? "750 cc, it says on the side" (Rm125)

Does this Honda grip glue work on anything besides Honda?...I have a KTM

"I saw a part online, do you have it?" "Did you see what the part number was?" "No, but it was $21.95 .

"What bike do you have?" "It's a Kawasaki 3400." It was an ex500, that was the oil capacity.

Do you have a fairing and shift lever for a 07 Suzuki Ninja R1?

"What kind of plow is it?" customer- "The kind that pushes snow around."

Employee "Looks like your bike calls for 10W-30." Customer "Is that the same as 10W-40?"

Customer was worried his skid plate was going to scratch the paint on the bottom of his dirt bike frame.....KTM guys...

Customer called and asked if I could provide the correct speedometer ratio for his 1978 GS750E for his bobber build. R[/quote]

Here are some funny cartoons to brighten up your Valentine's Day.

Teacher asked her young class which of them had a pet.
Little Sally put up her hand.
“Yes Sally, what is it, a dog or a cat?”
“Not sure Miss, dad keeps it in the bedroom but I think it's a dog.”
“How do you mean ?” asks teacher
“Well I got up to go to the bathroom and I heard dad say “Get hold of it, woman, it won't bite you”
Alan

A blind bunny and a blind snake bump into each other on the path. "What kind of animal are you?" asks the snake. "I really don't know," says the bunny. "I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out?" So, the snake felt the bunny. "Well, you're soft and cuddly," said the snake. "You have long silky ears and a little fluffy tail. You must be a bunny!" "Awesome!" says the bunny. "Now what kind of animal are you?" "I really don't know," says the snake. "I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out?" So, the bunny feels the snake all over, and he replies, "You're hard and cold, and you haven't got any balls. You must be a politician"

Zitat von Richard230 im Beitrag #190

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A blind bunny and a blind snake bump into each other on the path. "What kind of animal are you?" asks the snake. "I really don't know," says the bunny. "I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out?" So, the snake felt the bunny. "Well, you're soft and cuddly," said the snake. "You have long silky ears and a little fluffy tail. You must be a bunny!" "Awesome!" says the bunny. "Now what kind of animal are you?" "I really don't know," says the snake. "I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out?" So, the bunny feels the snake all over, and he replies, "You're hard and cold, and you haven't got any balls. You must be a politician"

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I saw this cartoon in today's newspaper and thought just about anyone would appreciate it.

Zitat von Richard230 im Beitrag #192

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I saw this cartoon in today's newspaper and thought just about anyone would appreciate it.

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This short video is fun to watch. You never know what will pass you by on a Texas freeway: https://9gag.com/gag/aer3qpv?ref=9g.m