RE: A reasonably clean joke thread - 23

I can't remember if this has been posted before but it tickled meFB_IMG_1578131535164.jpg - Bild entfernt (keine Rechte)

Here is a good one.

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A man has a toothache, so he goes to see his dentist.
After examining the tooth, the dentist tells the man he is going to have to give him an injection for the pain.
The man says, "No way! I don't want an injection."
The dentist replies, "OK, I'll give you gas."
"Noooo!" shrieks the man. "I don't want any gas."
"Fine," says the dentist, "I'm going to give you some Viagra!"
"Viagra?" exclaims the man. "What for?"
"You're going to need something to hang on to when I pull your tooth!"

Zitat von Richard230 im Beitrag #332

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Here is a good one.

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Another funny one because it is so true.

Couldn't get the image to display correctly. Any ideas?

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Zitat von KevKP im Beitrag #337

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Couldn't get the image to display correctly. Any ideas?

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Here is your education regarding used motorcycle ads.

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I love stupid jokes!

Here are some cute "one-liners" that were passed along to me today:


When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

Job Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself." Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda' want this job."

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid the doesn't fit any of your containers.

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say "Did you bring the money?"

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but I did it.

I run like the winded.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Instead, spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta' nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb

Post Turtles explained.


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An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger who was riding with the pilot, who lost communications, was on a cellular phone yelling:"Mayday, mayday, while saying that the pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket, and he had told me before we took off that he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!" The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately while saying:"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!" & he began his series of questions: Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??" Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me". Tower: "Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are traveling at 180 mph??" Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me". Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down??"
Aircraft: "Because the shit in my pants is sliding out of my collar."

I overheard Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" ladies, talking in a local restaurant in the other day.

Dorothy:
"That nice Jimmy Smith asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna:
"Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my house punctually at 7pm dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me outside. And what's there; a limo, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvellous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my house and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"

Dorothy:
"Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"

Edna:
"No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.

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Here is a good one.

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