RE: A reasonably clean joke thread - 11

Now that Christmas is over, I can post the last of the decent Christmas holiday jokes:

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant. "That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened."

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'

Just a reminder: Walmart will be closed on Christmas Day so both cashiers can be home with their families.

And now it is time to start the New Year's Day jokes:

On New Years Day I'll remember 2018 like it was yesterday.

New Years Eve: On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous. Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.

My new year’s resolution is to get better at pretending to know the words to Auld Lang Syne.

Every family has one weird relative. If you don't know who it is - then it's probably you!

Zitat von Richard230 im Beitrag #152

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My new year’s resolution is to get better at pretending to know the words to Auld Lang Syne.

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For that reply, you deserve another New Years Eve joke for those people who shop at the local 7-11 store for their end of the year libations :

I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." He Said, "Yes, but not in a row!"

And three more:

Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? A: It's okay. He woke up.

Today I gave my dead batteries away....Free of charge.

I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of bagpipers. They called ground control with a list of demands. Then they told the negotiator if their demands aren't met they will release one bagpiper player an hour.

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 33, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way. I think to myself maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

I don't care what you think you're good at, there's a 7-year-old kid on YouTube doing it better.

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

I ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me, but I never met herbivore.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Apparently this is not a joke. Attached is a photo of a London Metropolitan Police car that has rammed a number of scooter-riding criminals and apparently is proud of it. I am not sure you could get away with that in California, though.

Two things I learnt today.....

1) Kitchen sex can be wild and exciting.

2) The staff at McDonald's are very narrow minded.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a motorcycle and he'll eat fish and chips 200 miles away.

You haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running.

Did you hear about the dog with a wooden dick?

Had all the bitches spellbound

A car is driving down the street when all of a sudden it starts violently swerving across the road. The car keeps going back and forth, delaying traffic for miles until someone finally phones the police. A police officer pulls the car over and approaches the window. A blonde rolls down the window. "Excuse me, ma'am, but is there any explanation for your reckless driving?" he says. The blonde says, "Officer, I'm so glad you are here. There was a tree in the road, and I swerved. Then I saw another tree, and another, right in the middle of the road! So I had to swerve to keep from hitting them!"
The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

If you love somebody, let them go . . . . . If they come back with coffee, it was meant to be.

I accidentally smoked the catnip and the cats got my weed. Now they're raiding the fridge and I'm rolling around on the floor playing with a ball of yarn.