RE: A reasonably clean joke thread - 7

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A squirrel joke invasion.

Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit, please back in.”
On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
On a Church's billboard: "7 days without God makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP: "Best place in town to take a leak."
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite pan fried drop scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ....... She said................ "F**k off' "they're for the funeral."

Always liked this, especially the registration plate

Nineteen pedantic scholars go to the cinema. The ticket lady asks “Why so many of you?” The response: “The newspaper advertisement said '18 or over'."

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday. I went to our local pet shop and they were $70. I thought, forget that, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday. A little old lady asked if I could check her balance for her; so I pushed her over.

Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am. Can you believe that, 2:30 am? Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

The wife was counting all the nickels and dimes spread out on the kitchen table, when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself; “Well, she’s finally going through the change.”

Let me see if I can posts some funny religious cartoons that I received today via an email message from a friend. Sometimes the security features of this forum is not happy about such things.

One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Scotsman said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the Scotsman replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high"

There has been a spate of burglaries around here. The Police knew it was a guy called Cal but couldn’t catch him.

The weird thing is he broke into people’s homes just it seems to ruin their washing machines by putting a brick in them and switching them on. All a bit strange.

Anyway, he’s been found dead in an alleyway due to a drugs overdose.

its never nice hearing of people’s death but looking on the bright side washing machines live longer with Cal gone.

Woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again decided to leave a note saying,

"I've had enough and left you, don't bother coming after me"

and hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband rides home and she could hear the bike approaching, and then heard him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom,
she could see him walking towards the dresser and pick up the note. He paused wrote something on it, before picking up the phone and calling someone; -

"she's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to pick you up, put on the sexy french shit, I love you".

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the bike ride off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote;

"I can see your feet. Stop being retarded, we're outta bread, throw the kettle on, back in 5 minutes”

I had the trivia quiz in the bag,right up until the last question which I got wrong......... The question was" Where do women have the curliest hair?"
Apparently Fiji was the correct answer.

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
As nearly all the doctors are Muslims I find a bacon sandwich works better.

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.' The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?' The nun replied, 'He went that way.’ After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Vietnam.' The nun said, 'I understand completely.' The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!' The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.....I don't want to go to Vietnam either.

Two Irishmen, Paddy and Mick, got a pilot to fly them to northern Canada where they could hunt Moose. They managed to bag six Moose. But as they were loading the plane, the pilot said he could carry only four Moose. The two lads objected strongly, “Last year we got six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.” Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six Moose were loaded. However, on take-off, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down, crashing into the wilderness. Somehow, Paddy and Mick survived the crash, and climbed out of the wreckage. Paddy asked Mick, “Any idea where we are?” “I think we are pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

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