RE: A reasonably clean joke thread - 9

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it has."

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn't know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N'-Chips stand. One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, "May I have just an order of fries?" The brother said, "Hold on a moment. I'm the fish friar. You want the chip monk."

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on....

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

It seems that when the Holy Angel's Convent was trying to save money, it sent out the nuns' faded clothing to be reconditioned. Unfortunately, when the things came back they were not of a uniform color. The businessman who did the work denied responsibility. He righteously proclaimed that, "Everybody knows that old habits dye hard."

What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark? "Now I herd everything
"Why did the people on the ark think the horses were pessimistic? They kept saying neigh
What animal could Noah not trust? The cheetah
Why couldn't they play cards on the ark? Noah was sitting on the deck
Who was the first canning factory run by? Noah-he had a boat full of preserved pairs
Was Noah the first one out of the Ark? No, he came fourth out of the ark

The Romaine empire has fallen. Caesar is dead. Lettuce us pray.

If you see the glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass and stop your bitching.

Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it's likely tequilya.

I've started investing in stocks. Beef, chicken and vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

Great Bumper Sticker: It's OK if you disagree with me. I can't force you to be right.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

Dinosaurs didn't drink beer. And look what happened to them.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I don't procrastinate. I wait until the last minute to do things because I will be older and therefore wiser.

Wow!!! Apparently it's "rude" to ask the parents of a kid on a leash it it was a rescue.

You know you're having a good day when you don't duct tape someone to a wall.

Here are some jokes that us old farts can relate to.:


The other day I went to the ATM and this old man asked if I could check his balance, so I pushed him over.

Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really! Like a newborn baby?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants"

A reporter was interviewing a 103 year-old great grandfather: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?" the reporter asked. He simply replied, "No peer pressure."

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
One seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" asked the others.
"I don't wake up until nine."

Just saw a donkey crossing the road. Cool thing is he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart ass.

Bad puns are how eye roll.

Don't put off until tomorrow what you can postpone indefinitely.

I'm not saying I'm Santa, I'm just saying we've never been seen in the same room.

She sent her husband a text: “If you're dreaming send me your dreams. If you smiling send me your smile. If you are crying send me your tears.” He replied: “I'm on the toilet, please advise.”

The Blind Cowboy:
"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake... He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...

A really smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.

The officer said "You drinking?" I said "You buying?" And we laughed and laughed. Now I need bail money.

Two pigeons are having a beer and one pigeon says "Phil, you still working at that lab delivering urine samples?" Phil says, "No, I've been promoted to stool pigeon."

Christmas is cancelled. I told Santa I was good this year and he died laughing.

Back in my day we didn't have fancy traction control and ABS brake systems on our motorcycles. We left black tire marks and crashed into shit left and right, just as nature intended.

If Donald Trump wanted Hillary Clinton locked up he should have hired her to work on his campaign.

There hasn't been one single bacon recall in 2018, but there have been several vegetable recalls. Just sayin'

Saw a store that has a sign that says "We Treat You Like Family" Yep, NOT going in there.