RE: A reasonably clean joke thread - 12

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Send the bill to my Brother-in-law."

One day, a very rich man announced in a party that if any person present in the party dares to swim across the swimming pool which has more than twenty crocodiles, he will be awarded with either half of the rich man's property or his beautiful daughter. After a period of silence, the rich man saw a young man splashed into the pool swimming as fast as he can, with all his efforts, saving himself from the crocodiles. And at last, he survived through the pool. Everybody started clapping. The rich man was overjoyed with the young man's bravery. He congratulated him and then asked what do you want, my property or daughter. To this, the man replied, "Sir, neither I want your property, nor your daughter, I just want to know who the man was who threw me in the water."

Three women were sitting in a bar, (brunette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant. The burnette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I conceived so I will have a baby boy". The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I conceived.
The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".

Pro Tip: In the event of a natural disaster, place wieners in your pockets so the search dogs will find you first.

An old man is sitting at a bus stop, when a teenage boy with a multi-colored mohawk sits down. The old man just stares at the boys hair, finally the boy says "What haven't you ever done anything wild or crazy"? The old man replied "Yes, years ago I screwed a peacock and was just wondering if your my son"?

Boy: "I love you so much, I could never live without you." Girl: "Is that you or the beer talking?" Boy: "It's me talking to the beer."

What's smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.

Q: Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? A: He was just going through a stage.

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died... " Are you still holding the ladder?"

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall whilst carrying the coffin and when they do so they hear a faint moan. So they open the casket only to find that the woman inside is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years after this and then eventually dies and so there's another funeral for her. At the end of the service, as the pallbearers carry out the casket, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

At the restaurant the other evening, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken.
He looked at me bemused for a moment and then said, "Nothing special really, we just tell them they're going to die."

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

For my birthday, my friend bought me a book called "Road Kill Recipes". As luck would have it, the next day I came across some road kill so I cooked it according to one of the recipes in the book and it was delicious. I'm just not sure what to do with the bike.

I thought my vasectomy would keep my girlfriend from getting pregnant but apparently all it does is change the color of the baby.

What did the cheese say when looking in the mirror.
Hellome.

I think it is time to post nine important facts that you can use to run your life. And I will throw in one more piece of useful advice.

What do you call a wet pet?
Goldfish
I’ll
Get my coat!

Politics can generate some funny cartoons. Apparently, these were thought up in the UK.

Got a few cute cartoons here.

One of my favourites.

Ruins the fun but for our non-English speaking friends (yes that includes the Americans ) Stools is the medical term for a turd

Registration is also great

Could be?

The true story of the Chicken Gun: Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist! Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. WHEN THE GUN WAS FIRED, THE ENGINEERS STOOD SHOCKED AS THE CHICKEN HURLED OUT OF THE BARREL, CRASHED INTO THE SHATTERPROOFSHIELD, SMASHED IT TO SMITHEREENS, BLASTED THROUGH THE CONTROL CONSOLE, SNAPPED THE ENGINEER'S BACK-REST IN TWO, AND EMBEDDED ITSELF IN THE BACK WALL OF THE CABIN, LIKE AN ARROW SHOT FROM A BOW. THE HORRIFIED BRITS SENT NASA THE DISASTROUS RESULTS OF THE EXPERIMENT, ALONG WITH THE DESIGNS OF THE WINDSHIELD AND BEGGED THE U.S SCIENTISTS FOR SUGGESTIONS. NASA RESPONDED WITH A ONE-LINE MEMO: "DEFROST THE CHICKEN." (TRUE STORY)

I do like this cartoon.