RE: A reasonably clean joke thread - 8

Irish Burial at Sea: Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise. They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?' Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. 'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.' After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on. Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?' Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest. So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'
WAIT FOR IT. . . .. . 'Aye'tis, NOW hand me dat shovel.'

I'm writing this from the hospital. Don't worry the doctor says I'll recover. I feel that I should warn you that the "Dyson Ball Cleaner" has a very misleading name.

I won $10.00 in the Mega Millions Lottery. Please respect our privacy as our family decides how to move forward in this exciting and pivotal moment in time.

I've found that if you tuck part of your pants legs into your socks, people expect less of you.

True love means never having to say "Honey, put that knife down."

She: You never listen to me. You only hear what you want to hear. He: Sure, I'll have a beer.

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports. Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case closed! This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers we now have a seat available on flight number..."

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Tourist: $5.00;
Broiled Missionary: $7.00;
Fried Explorer: $9.00;
Freshly Baked: Labour Party, Liberals/Nationals, Democrats, Republicans, or Greens: $150.00.
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, “Why such a huge price difference for the Politicians?”
The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is; until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing; only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replied, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.' 'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw Material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.' 'But, where did you get the tools?' 'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the Island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'
The guy is stunned. 'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?' 'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?' Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.' No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. 'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?' When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. 'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You’ve been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes... He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes... 'F ***king hell, don't tell me you've got a big TV and the Sports Channel?'

Royal Mail created a stamp with a picture of the Prime Minister of Great Britain ... Theresa May.
The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged the Prime Minister, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and spending of £27.1million, a special commission presented the following findings:
1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

I attended a very emotional wedding this past weekend. Even the cake was in tiers.

My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out. What used to be my sex appeal, Is now my water spout. Time was when, on its own accord, From my trousers it would spring. But now I've got a full time job, To find the bloody thing.

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. A Navaho on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off. 'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.' 'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles'

An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry, and was suing the lorry company; in court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus. Solicitor 'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'. Seamus 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...' Solicitor 'I didn't ask for any details’, ‘Just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' Seamus 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down the road....' The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said, 'How badly hurt are you?' 'Now what the **** would you have said?'

You can distinguish a crocodile from an alligator by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or after a while.

If there was a pill to cure procrastination, I would probably take it tomorrow.

Never make snow angels in a dog park.

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors and photos.

Dear Santa, All I want is a fat bank account and a skinny body. Please don't mix it up again like last year.

What do Justin Bieber and the New Years Eve crowd at Times Square have in common? They're both waiting for their balls to drop.

I walked out of the chip shop last night with a meat and potatoe pie,large chips,mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting outside told me that he hadn't eaten for two days. I wish I had his will power.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."