RE: A reasonably clean joke thread - 6

Here are some old jokes that you youngsters may not have seen yet:

Colon
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him.
So in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge.

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it,saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?" The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRY-SOME IN RECENT YEARS: 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.

Husband and wife had a tiff.. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you." Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.

TODAY'S SHORT READING FROM THE BIBLE: From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth." Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

And here is a new political joke for the times: #45 has raised the standard of living for some hard working Americans. Especially ex porn stars.

Who is the bravest man on the planet? Mr. Hershey. He puts his nuts in hot chocolate.

My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my motorcycle. I rode on, ruthlessly.

Two tough union men were working on a building site when Murphy fell from the second floor scaffolding. "Are ya dead?" cried Gallagher from above. "To be sure I am," replied Murphy. "You are such a liar Murphy that I don't know whether to believe you or not!" called Gallagher. "That proves I'm dead," said Murphy's voice from the rubble below, "because if I was alive you wouldn't be game to call me a liar!"

"IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!

Sign outside a local liquor store: Carrots may be good for your eyes; But booze will double your vision.

After queuing up at the Tesco checkout this morning, Mr Patel said to the cashier, "Can you do this any cheaper?" "I'm afraid not," she replied, "If we did it for you then we'd have to do it for everybody." Mr Patel said, "Yeah, but it's got today's date on it. If nobody buys it then it's just going to get thrown away." "Look sir, you're holding up the queue. Do you want the newspaper or not?!"

"Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?" "And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty.

The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

Breaking News!!!! Pence announces the Space Force is needed to protect the earth from gay aliens. He said we will get E.T. to pay for it.

Having been involved with online dating for several years, I have a word of advice. If you're single and you're thinking of joining an online dating site, take a nap until the feeling passes. If you ignore my advice, I've developed a translator to help you read and understand the profiles. Here tis . . . .

Profile: Must love pets.
Translation: I have 18 cats and need help scooping poop.


P: No liars or cheats
T: My ex was a scumbag and you better cover your jewels.


P: My photo is a recent one.
T: It's actually a younger neighbor but hoping you won't notice



P: It's been a while since I dated
T: We listened to the Bee Gees on his 8 track


P: I'm a country girl at heart
T: Turned down for the Jerry Springer show because I was too redneck.


P: Not into game players
T: I was a stand in for Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction


P: Looking for a committed relationship
T: I wrote the book "Stalking For Dummies"


P: Not looking for a one night stand
T: If you have sex at my place, you'll be the only one in the room.


P: Looking for a 50/50 relationship
T: You pay for the Motel 6, I'll bring the box of wine


I'm sure this online dating translator works for both sexes. Hope it helps.

The September issue of Motorcycle Consumer News contains an article written by Glynn Kerr regarding dumb ad campaigns and slogans. Most of them are motorcycle related, but he also included this old ad by Electrolux, which I thought was pretty funny.

I just saw a bail bondsman commercial that said: "We'll have you out before the soap hits the floor."

I spoke with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way. He said: “Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed. I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet service and I went to the gym, the pool and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.” I really felt sorry for him. So I asked: “What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce? “Oh no, nothing like that.” he said. “No, no....I was paroled.”

Q. What has a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common? A. A black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don’t think that’s her, she wasn’t that tall!”

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. "Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn’t even know they had mobile phones.

Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out. Husband says ' Oh for goodness' sake stop crying, you're still my sister.'

Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan, told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Over 95% of the Harleys made since 1970 are still on the road today......


That's because the other 5% actually made it home!!!!!

This is not me. I have no idea what these computer codes mean. But it does look funny.

Two Aussies were hunting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size. The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second said, "There's an old gear box over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
So, they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in. As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first. While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about. Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you fellers didn't happen to see my goat?" The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"
The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to a gear box."

It is time to update the joke thread.


APROSDOKIANS are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected; Winston Churchill loved them:


1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

3. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

4. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

5. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

6. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

7. To steal ideas from someone is plagiarism. To steal from many is called research.

8. Filling in an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put: 'DOCTOR'

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look sexy.

11. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

12. A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

14. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Nor is there any future in it.

15. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

16. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

17. Finally: I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

18. I am not arguing with you; I am explaining why you are wrong.

Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque. Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes. When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque. Finally Nicola Sturgeon gets her turn and calls Scotland for 4 hours. When she's finished, the devil informed her that there would be no charge and feel free to call Scotland anytime.
Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil why did Nicola Sturgeon got to call Scotland free. The devil replied, "Since Nicola Sturgeon became First Minister of Scotland, the Country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

When asked what was his greatest accomplishment, Satan replied "The bicycle seat."

My trust issues started when my Mom said "Come here, I won't hit you."

An aid walks into Trumps office and says "Mr. Trump, Hurricane Florence is causing trouble!" Trump replies "Give her the same deal as Stormy Daniels"

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'" "See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbour. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him." She wasn't selected for the jury.

I'd like to think I would die a heroic death . . . . but it's more likely I'll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great....that's just great... Some asshole's got my pen!'

I hope Elon Musk never gets into a scandal because ElonGate would be really drawn out.

I picked up a hitchhiker and he said "Aren't you worried I might be a serial killer?" I said "No. The odds of 2 serial killers being in the same car are pretty slim."