RE: A reasonably clean joke thread - 70

A couple tame jokes from another site....


A dog thinks: "Hey, those people I live with feed me, love, me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me....They must be gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me....I must be a god.


WHAT IS A CAT?

1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They're totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave their hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats.


WHAT IS A DOG?

1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4) They growl when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to play.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They are great at begging.
8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9) They leave their toys everywhere.
10) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're tiny little men in fur coats.

There was a guy who had council knock on his door:

Council: "Where's ya bin "
Resident: " Down the coast"
Council: " No ..I want to know where's ya bin"
Resident "I bin at the beach, down at the coast"
Council: " look, where's ya wheelie bin"
Resident: "Well I weally bin in jail, but I do not want people to know that"

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"My friend Jimmy bought an electric car. He was very excited about it. Then he bought an electric blanket. Then he bought an electric guitar. Then he bought an electric chair and I haven't heard from him since."

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of 20 years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10?"
And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20-year life span. The monkey said," "Monkey tricks of twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?"
And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go in the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this I will give you a life span of 60 years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I'll give back the other 40?"
And God agreed it was good.

In the fourth day God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years."
But the human said, "Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow give back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back; that makes 80 okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it!"

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
There's no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you're looking for me, I will be on the front porch.

Q: How did dinosaurs find their mates?

A: Carbon Dating Services

H-D jokes seem to be endless:

Harley-Davidson: The most efficient way to convert gasoline into noise without the adverse side effect of horsepower.

Did you know 95% of all Harleys are still on the road?
The other 5% actually made it home.

Is it true that Harleys are chick magnets?
Yes, but only if the chick has a steel plate in her head.

What's the cheapest way to get another 50hp from your Harley?
Trade it in on a Kawasaki.

Why don't Harley riders sit on their bikes when the sidestands are down?
They're afraid to lean over that far.

What's the difference between a Harley and a Harley owner's home?
The Harley costs more and has fewer wheels.

How do you now you're riding a Harley?
While coming off an exit-ramp you get passed by a Vespa.

Why don't Harley riders wave at sportbike riders?
Because they don't want to drop their tools.

How do you know all the aftermarket parts you bought for your Harley are worth the money?
You finally break into the 15's in the quarter mile.

Where can you find the world's largest collection of Harley jokes?
At Sturgis

What do you call a group of Harley Owners with a collective IQ of 120?
Sturgis!

How do Harley engineers tell if a bike is worthy of the Harley name?
They check to make sure the exhaust noise in decibels exceeds the horsepower rating.

Why don't Harley owners smile?
Once you realized you got conned into paying $25,000 for an outdated piece of $#!+ would YOU be smiling?

What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?
The location of the dirtbags.

Why do Harleys have fringe?
So you can tell if they're moving.

How do you know your Harley is handling great?
You can almost keep up with the logging trucks when you're riding in the
canyons.

Why couldn't the Harley mechanic repair the doorknob?
Some things just can't be fixed with only a hammer and a rope.

What's the difference between a Harley taken to Daytona on a trailer and one that's being ridden there?
The one on the trailer is going about 30mph faster.

Why do all Harley owners have trailers??
So they can go around corners faster!

You know you're a Harley rider if...

....you're unable to let your bike simply IDLE at a stop light.

....you confuse the word "character" with the more accurate term
"engineering flaws."

...."water cooled" means standing on the side of the road, in the rain, waiting for a your buddy to come in his pickup truck :-D

And there are even more:

Q: Why are Harley's some of the safest bikes on the road?
A: You can't go fast enough to hurt yourself....

Q: What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Hoover vacuum cleaner?
A: The Harley has room for two dirtbags on board.

Q: Why do harley riders never ride faster than 50mph?
A: Any faster and they can't see where the parts fell off.

Q: Why do harley riders chrome all their parts?
A: It makes them easier to spot on the side of the road.

Q: What is the most common accessory for Harleys'?
A: A pick-up truck.

Q: How is a Harley Davidson like an old dog?
A: They both like to ride in the back of pickup trucks.

Q: What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and an old dog?
A: The dog can get in the back of the pickup by itself.

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All the "buzz" these days is about "AI", as if it were something new. On the contrary, we've had artificial intelligence for a long, long time.

It's called "The Human Race".

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