Off Topic » Adult humour. Do not read if easily offended.

I persuaded my wife to smuggle coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.

I feel pretty bad about it now; I didn't know you could buy another can in the departure lounge.

Thoughts from an unhinged mind...

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year... Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra... Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just... Easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters... Do they just give you a bra and then say, “Here, fill this out?”

♦ I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “ Sag Harbor ”

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s, and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s planning to get me something.

♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

The Gunfighter

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...

Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure will'

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it – that’ll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all..'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.'

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven:

1st woman: Hi Wanda!

2nd woman: Hi Sylvia! How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. So, what about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer... we'd both still be alive.

Zitat von Grumpy Goat im Beitrag #6

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Some funny ones here.

Just wanted to suggest that we think twice before posting. We all have different standards of humour so it is sometimes hard to know whether a joke is okay or not.

Since the site does not presently have a list of rules, for now lets use this yardstick - if any part of the joke describes or is suggestive of an act that could be seen as illegal then it should probably not be posted. If unsure, send the joke to a Moderator / Administrator before posting.

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Zitat von Grumpy Goat im Beitrag #6

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Some funny ones here.

Just wanted to suggest that we think twice before posting. We all have different standards of humour so it is sometimes hard to know whether a joke is okay or not.

Since the site does not presently have a list of rules, for now lets use this yardstick - if any part of the joke describes or is suggestive of an act that could be seen as illegal then it should probably not be posted. If unsure, send the joke to a Moderator / Administrator before posting.

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I found my first grey pubic hair today..... Other than that I enjoyed the bacon sandwich.

Just had a call from Mrs Bravos employer.
She's been taken to hospital as she's hit her head on a cupboard door at work.
I just said "Oh she answered you back too did she?"

Maybe we need some separate discussions on a forum,
The benefits of comedy in life and general.

The dangers of faceless criticism.

Moderating for happiness.

The life and role of a Moderator.

Having Power and when to wield it.

Lots to chew over there.

LOL. Oh I am only joking, oh, but I better check..... nope no mention of violence...... no reference to sex and certainly not gay sex cos that would give someone a dry arse...... we are good to go!!!!

Posting now.

Irish Interview
Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin . A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job."
Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."
Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
Manager "Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down,
'I don't know.
You put down, ˜Neither do I.

Zitat von Holger im Beitrag #16

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It is sometimes difficult for me to classify certain English words exactly, so it is not always possible to judge the content as good or bad.
"cut up" you can translate apparently literally, so I would call the joke as "below the belt". "I find such jokes inappropriate here.

That should be enough for this topic, it is a forum for the RS and nothing more and nothing less.
All other posts are very good and interesting so it should stay that way!

If you still have problems with the contributions of other members, please contact me directly via PM.

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